your room smells of hookers.
And success
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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