i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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