i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
