small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
