Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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