The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
