The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
