i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
