not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
