Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
