He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
