We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
