There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Randomize
