Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
