i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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