I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
