You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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