Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
