I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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