I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
