I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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