why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
