Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
