my shit smells like andre
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
