I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I could fuck to npr.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
