Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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