I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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