I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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