It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
