the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
