This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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