piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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