; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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