and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
