I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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