then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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