I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
