My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Drunk is not a location!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
