Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
