I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
