My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
