Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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