If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
