I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
