Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
