Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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