dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
