it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
