It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
