The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
