What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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