i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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