I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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