Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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