gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
